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LMAO THIS FUCKIN MOVIE. I wanted some kind of coherent action. I wanted entertainment. I wanted a story. Instead I got a clusterfuck of explosions, angry music, bad accents, cliche antagonists and shitty one liners delivered by my favorite potato.

People think I’m hard on Vin Diesel. They’d be wrong because I’m actually hard for Vin Diesel. He was kind of a badass this time around, and he did have some growth as a character. My biggest problem with this film wasn’t the crappy action, the bad pacing, cardboard characters or the unartistic, uninspired and uninspiring cinematography, but it was actually the rampant sexism in the movie. With one exception, all the women in the movie were literal sex props with bitchy attitudes (if they were graced with any character at all). Even a single unnamed henchman had more depth than all the other women (with the exception of our heroine) in the movie put together. He liked extreme sports. Literally all the other women: bitchy and slutty.

This movie is an affront to humanity and the biggest waste of Danny Trejo’s time since the time he once almost believed a telemarketing call had actually won him a seven day, all expense paid cruise around the Bahamas. 1/10. Skip it. I don’t even know why I watched this movie.

If you want to watch this movie, check it out on Hulu, Apple TV, Amazon Prime or fuboTV. Again, who is watching fuboTV? Fuckin weirdos.