Reviews

“The Bubble” is pure cringe

The Bubble is a money-laundering, nepotism-riddled, time-wasting scheme concocted to masquerade as entertainment, designed to appeal to the lowest, most brain-dead tier of Netflix viewers who’s idea of ‘funny’ is people’s nuts getting grabbed, drug addicts raping computer programs and women being manipulated by their ex husbands. 

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3 Reasons Why “War” is the worst that Bollywood has to offer

The Bollywood action film War starring hunks Hrithik Roshan and Tiger (*sighs*) Shroff. The film is a bullet-riddled, explosion-stuffed, CGI-polished ultranationalistic turd of a film that made a bajillion rupees in the box office and is part of a spy cinematic universe. If that doesn’t help you figure out whether or not this movie is worth watching, let me break things down for you in excruciating detail.

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The Chronicles of Riddick

The Chronicles of Riddick is like Game of Thrones mixed with Twilight mixed with Bloodshot mixed with King Arthur. It’s a film about intergalactic genocide, politics, prophecies and fatherhood. It’s a massive opera that really came out of nowhere considering Pitch Black.

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Moonfall

@rolandemmerich ‘s newest doomgasm film, #MOONFALL is a fun, cinematic hot dog made of literally all of the other movies he’s ever made. Watch it, but don’t watch it if you’re smart or sober.

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The 5 Worst Movies of 2021

2021 isn’t over yet? It feels like it is. In multiple conversations I’ve mentioned it being ‘last year’. I’m having fun running stats on my viewing habits, sort of like a Spotify Wrapped. A Filmify Wrapped, if you will.

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Knock Knock

Man what the fuck is this movie? I hate crap like this. On one hand, yeah. Ya fuckin got me. Ana de Armas and whoever that other woman was, in a hot, pornworthy plot, featuring John Wick? Sign me the fuck up, dick and all. Ya fucking got me. Is that what this movie is about? Getting me? Using my phallic fallacies against me? God I hate this movie.

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Shang-Chi

So I watched another comic book movie set in San Francisco during the throes of my homesickness. Unfortunately this one only spends a small portion in the city, and I gotta say- I want more…

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Venom: Let there be Carnage

I was pretty happy watching Venom 2, but I think my viewing was biased due to the fact that I’m very homesick right now, and they kept running around my town doing stuff. In hindsight, I may have enjoyed the first film a lot more for the same reasons.…

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Oblivion

I’ve seen Tom Cruise’s Oblivion maybe half a dozen times, and I can tell you with confidence, this movie deserves a place among the pantheon with the best sci-fi films of all time.

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The Devil Wears Prada

The Devil Wears Prada is a fantastic example of telling engaging stories by building your characters through arcs, choices and changes. It’s a wonderful example of using very basic structures of action and consequence to help the audience connect to and grow with the protagonist.

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Halloween Kills

The movie sucked. I don’t like slashers, but even for a slasher, this thing sucked. Why did they make it? Who the fuck is Michael Myers and why can’t he die? Why are these people unironically chanting ‘Evil dies tonight’? These answers may likely be best left unanswered. 

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The Danish Girl

The Danish Girl is a wonderful, thought provoking, uncomfortably intimate story of one Lili Elbe, and her discovery, acceptance and transition from being born a biological male, to being the woman that Lili was always meant to be. I highly recommend the film.

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The VVitch

The Witch, stylized as The VVitch, is a period piece psychological horror, with some fantastic acting, some inspired direction and cinematography unlike anything I’ve seen in a while.

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His House

The concept of this film is well timed and unique, paired with a classic horror trope. The movie began strong, reaffirming all of my prior assumptions, but began veering off course fairly quickly. The horrors never stopped, but the more we learned of the characters’ traumas and their following troubles, the less I started to… care.

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Bird Box

Bird Box wasn’t scary, intense, fresh or even entertaining. I was thoroughly underwhelmed and unimpressed by pretty much every element of the movie. The memes are funny, though.

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No Time to Die

Warning: This review contains spoilers for all of the Craig Bond movies, Avengers: Infinity War, Harry Potter, and possibly a few more movies. This also a longer review. Tl;dr: Daniel Craig’s No Time to Die doesn’t have the balls to be the best Bond movie it could be. 

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Malignant

So James Wan is trying again, and this time he’s mixing supernatural elements with medical gore and a bit of mindfuckery. It’s an odd feeling to realize that this is the movie he abandoned The Conjuring 3 to make, considering how similarly these two films turned out, in that…

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Ghost in the Shell (2017)

I know it’s not a popular opinion, but I really liked 2017’s #GhostInTheShell. I talk about why I like it, and why it sucks. An old review posted as part of stylistic, sci fi, action, female protagonist movie thread.

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Atomic Blonde

Atomic Blonde does a lot right and a lot wrong. The plot was by no means original, and it really didn’t need to be, but they managed to goof it up to the point that I really just wanted the movie to be over halfway in. Worth a watch if you’ve got a night off, and really only around the 50 minute mark if you’ve got a night in. 

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Kate

I watched Kate across two nights, because the first time I tried to watch it, I was bored enough to turn it off and restart New Girl for the umpteenth time. This is not a review for the movie Kate, this will now be a review for the first…

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The Daniel Craig Bond Films

Have you ever noticed that Daniel Craig looks a lot like Kevin McKidd? Imagine a world where McKidd made it as Bond, and Craig was a doctor at Grey Sloan Memorial. I still wouldn’t hate myself any less for watching 15 seasons of the show.

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Fatherhood

Fatherhood is a cute movie about being a dad, and a set of difficulties and obstacles one can expect to face as a single father.

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Layer Cake

Layer Cake is a quick witted, profanity laced British crime movie. It’s worth your time if you want to watch Craig play James Bond before he was Bond.

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

When I first watched this movie, I had a hard time understanding why Breakfast at Tiffany’s is such a masterpiece. I struggled with feeling frustrated for and by Holly and her actions, and constantly the film demonstrated the woman making poor decisions. As the credits rolled, I realized that…

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Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane is one of the most studied and debated films of all time, and for good reason. I chose this movie to be my thousandth film watched because of all the discussion that had already occurred about the film. I wanted to see what a film worth talking…

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Ben Hur

Ben Hur is a testament to the soul of filmmaking. The sets, the costumes, the music, the acting, the cinematography, the dialogue, the story, the framing, the atmosphere. Every aspect of the movie was meticulously crafted and it was easily visible how hard the crew had worked on the…

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9 Songs

This review discusses a controversial film involving explicit sexual relations. Reader discretion is advised. That means that if you’re a prude, fuck off.

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Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Goddamn does Disney know how to entertain. In a way, this movie is an incredible opportunity to study different storytelling techniques, and how to efficiently adapt a written story into film. As many readers will complain to you, it’s easy to screw up novel adaptations. Perhaps this movie wasn’t…

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Baby Driver

I didn’t know it, but I was starved for a film with rounded characters, incredible action, a captivating soundtrack and a dash of charm. Essentially, I wanted to see a good movie, but hadn’t had the pleasure. 

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Writer’s Note – On Short Films

I recently published a few reviews on independently made short films. I’ve also begun a foray into watching short films, and most, if not all, are also independent or low budget. I’ve wanted to get into watching more films made by smaller, independent filmmakers for a number of reasons.…

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Shazam!

I wrote this review on July 25, 2019. Considering the recent success of The Suicide Squad, I thought I’d share my thoughts on this movie and the fate of the DC movies. I had a lot of fun with this movie. I don’t know if it was on purpose,…

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Casablanca

I have a habit of saving really good movies to watch during the worst of times. Movies are an escape from the tedium of life, the frustrations of reality. It’s why fantasies and adventures and dreams and heroes are so popular. It’s why the worlds we visit in the…

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Aso

Aso is a film that examines a man attempting to stand his ground, and devolves into a mess, spouting ‘whataboutisms’ to defend his view. It’s a wonderful example of the acting being the main driver of a film rather than the story itself. It’s also the shortest film I’ve…

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The Fate of the Furious

The following review was written May 25, 2017 but was not published. It does not follow my recent review structure, but I had a wet dream about Vin so I had to go back and think about the other movies he’s been in that I’ve reviewed. There are so,…

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2020

Y’all remember that movie 2012 that somehow everybody both watched and haven’t watched? Like. It’s constantly playing on the FX channel, sandwiched between a 5pm EST showing of X-Men and an 11pm showing of Fan4tastic? Anyways, this movie is way better than any of the others. 

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The Suicide Squad

In the past I’ve harked about mislaid bricks in franchise films, and how poorly laid bricks lead to compounding failure, or the Leaning Tower of Pisa. This movie is the latter. The Suicide Squad is a ridiculous, bloody, meta, hilarious, excellent movie that absolutely deserves a watch. The writing…

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The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

I’m a huge fan of James Wan. The man has true horror vision, and his two recent franchises Insidious and The Conjuring have completely riveted me. I was genuinely terrified by the first Insidious when it came out, and The Conjuring 2 after that. When I heard The Conjuring:…

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The Green Knight

WHOOO Boy this movie. The Green Knight is one of the trippiest, most artsy farsty, balls to the wall insane, self indulgent movies I’ve ever seen. The Green Knight is a movie you will not finish if you don’t watch in theaters or completely stoned. It’s a stunning mindfuck…

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The Twilight Saga

Yesterday I sat down and watched all five movies in the The Twilight Saga in a row, back to back, without breaks or distractions. I have transformed into a husk of a man, completely embroiled in my own self pity and wanderlust for the lush forests of Northwestern America.…

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Flipped

Flipped is a cute little movie about two kids learning about love and growth and life and trees. I don’t have too much to say about it, because it’s honestly a very plain movie, with a lot of self-indulgent satisfaction. It’s also frustrating that the movie builds up a…

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Contagion

Some pretty person suggested I go through Steven Soderbergh’s filmography due to his influence on modern cinema. He’s gained a lot of fame and recognition for his innovative filmmaking early on, and wider appeal for his slick, witty, Ocean’s heist films. Since Contagion has a lot of relevance to…

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On Agents of SHIELD Canonicity

Agents of SHIELD is one of the best superhero shoes out there. The characters are complex and nuanced, the storylines are believable and engaging, the effects border on acceptable. I get it. The show is cheesy. It’s campy, it’s cringey, it’s lo-fi.  I’m not saying it’s the most polished,…

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Black Widow

Woof. What happened here? Marvel’s Black Widow is one of the few times I’ve felt that an MCU film was more miss than hit. I really wanted to like it, and there’s a lot to like. But there’s also some key chunks that are missing that really, really annoyed…

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The Tomorrow War

I used my twitter feed as a guide to write this review, as I used my friends’ patience as a sounding board for my livestreamed mania as I blundered through The Tomorrow War, furiously screaming into the abyss of the internet, eager for someone’s attention – or better yet,…

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Finding ‘Ohana

So I watched this movie at a 50 degree angle from a 10 year old TV with my parents sitting on an uncomfortable cushion. This movie was awesome. It’s definitely a kids’ movie, and if you expect anything different, then shut up and go away. 

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Creed 2

So this review took a while to write, but that’s because I was home with family, and I just didn’t think about the movie I’d watched. Creed 2 wasn’t a bad movie, but it wasn’t mindblowing either.

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Archive

Archive is one of those ‘high concept’ sci fi movies with robots and AI. It draws extremely heavy inspiration from Ex Machina, one of the more successful releases in this subgenre of sci fi. It also has imagery and concepts similar to Netflix’s Mother (which wasn’t very good), the…

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A Quiet Place – Part 2

Greetings from Frankfurt! Ya boi is publishing his first international review! Also I’m stuck in the airport send help. A Quiet Place Part 2 is so good. John Krasinksi has done it yet again. The film is very, very simple: Be quiet, or the aliens come smack you. Everyone…

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Army of the Dead

The last time I cared about a zombie-based media was the final season of Game of Thrones, where the big bad guy gets nerfed by a random little girl hiding in a tree. Before that was The Walking Dead, which is apparently still… on air? Snyder’s Army of the…

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Gothika

Uh. I saw this movie. I can’t think of much to say. Robert Downey Jr. is in it and he’s cool. Good misdirection. I liked the twists, I liked the mind games. I want to say the movie was innovative for when it came out, what with the CGI…

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Incarnate

This movie is so bad it made me think it was made in 2006 and inspired two movies from 2010. It was actually released in 2016, a couple of years in the wrong direction. Entertainment Factor This movie wasn’t scary. Artistic Integrity This film is also not very original…

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Justice League (2017)

This review concerns the Joss Whedon led and edited 2017 release of Justice League. I wrote this review shortly after release, and these are my restructured thoughts, edited for readability. Justice League is such an incredible movie, because I am unable to determine if it was bad or not.…

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Bloodshot

Tonight I wasted my time by watching a movie called Bloodshot, starring our favorite gravel-voiced, hunky, sexy, big dicked macho muchacho, Vin Diesel. I am unabashedly in the middle of a Diesel marathon, and my blood is pumping and my dick is insecure. I can never measure up to…

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Writer’s Note – A New Scene

Thank you for reading what I’ve written, I appreciate that you spent your time with something that I’ve created. I’ve come to the realization that I’d like to put a little more effort into the things I do with my reviews, so I’m setting up a writing structure to…

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The Big Short (2015)

I watched this movie at around midnight while sipping on a beer, and an empty stomach. About an hour at about 1am, I emailed my advisor demanding that she sign me up for a class on stocks, the market and the Bloomberg Terminal. I was hyped. The next morning…

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Mortal Kombat (2021)

This movie is a ton of goofy fun. It’s based on a video game series that revolves around fighting and very gory kill scenes and cheesy catch phrases and it does not give a fuck about you or your grandma.  Given that this movie was made to bring the…

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Lakshya

Lakshya is an Indian Bollywood movie about a slacker who decides that his life’s objective is serving his country’s safety and security, at the cost of this luxury lifestyle. The main character is played by Bollywood heartthrob Hrithik Roshan, and man does he play this role to perfection.

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Crazy, Stupid, Love

   Ever seen that movie Hitch with Will Smith? Or any other movie about a down on his luck loser who needs to win back the respect of his kids and the love of his life with the help of a womanizing hunk? What about an ensemble movie with…

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xXx

LMAO THIS FUCKIN MOVIE. I wanted some kind of coherent action. I wanted entertainment. I wanted a story. Instead I got a clusterfuck of explosions, angry music, bad accents, cliche antagonists and shitty one liners delivered by my favorite potato.

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xXx: State of the Union

 “The State of the Union is strong!” xXx: State of the Union is the worst movie I’ve seen since the original xXx. And I’m sure you remember my review of that movie. I loved it.

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xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Why is every Vin Diesel movie about Vin Diesel being the most macho dude he can be? If you’re a feminist, a millennial, or someone with standards, don’t waste any time watching this movie. If you’re twelve, really like guns and fast cars and hot girls, yeah, maybe you’d…

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