The Chronicles of Riddick

The Chronicles of Riddick is like Game of Thrones mixed with Twilight mixed with Bloodshot mixed with King Arthur. It’s a film about intergalactic genocide, politics, prophecies and fatherhood. It’s a massive opera that really came out of nowhere considering Pitch Black.

Pitch Black

Vin Diesel's 2000 cult classic Pitch Black is a unique horror sci-fi film with a ton of heart and relatively little misogyny.

The 5 Worst Movies of 2021

2021 isn’t over yet? It feels like it is. In multiple conversations I've mentioned it being 'last year'. I'm having fun running stats on my viewing habits, sort of like a Spotify Wrapped. A Filmify Wrapped, if you will.

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No Time to Die

Warning: This review contains spoilers for all of the Craig Bond movies, Avengers: Infinity War, Harry Potter, and possibly a few more movies. This also a longer review. Tl;dr: Daniel Craig’s No Time to Die doesn’t have the balls to be the best Bond movie it could be.  Tropes, Clichés, and Bond The opening sequence... Continue Reading →

Atomic Blonde

Atomic Blonde does a lot right and a lot wrong. The plot was by no means original, and it really didn’t need to be, but they managed to goof it up to the point that I really just wanted the movie to be over halfway in. Worth a watch if you’ve got a night off, and really only around the 50 minute mark if you’ve got a night in. 

The Fate of the Furious

The following review was written May 25, 2017 but was not published. It does not follow my recent review structure, but I had a wet dream about Vin so I had to go back and think about the other movies he's been in that I've reviewed. There are so, so many. I’ve just seen a... Continue Reading →

Bloodshot

Tonight I wasted my time by watching a movie called Bloodshot, starring our favorite gravel-voiced, hunky, sexy, big dicked macho muchacho, Vin Diesel. I am unabashedly in the middle of a Diesel marathon, and my blood is pumping and my dick is insecure. I can never measure up to this man, figuratively, literally or cinematically. Let... Continue Reading →

xXx

LMAO THIS FUCKIN MOVIE. I wanted some kind of coherent action. I wanted entertainment. I wanted a story. Instead I got a clusterfuck of explosions, angry music, bad accents, cliche antagonists and shitty one liners delivered by my favorite potato. People think I’m hard on Vin Diesel. They’d be wrong because I’m actually hard for... Continue Reading →

xXx: State of the Union

 “The State of the Union is strong!” xXx: State of the Union is the worst movie I’ve seen since the original xXx. And I’m sure you remember my review of that movie. I loved it. I want to say a lot about this movie, but all of it is negative. Don’t watch this movie. There... Continue Reading →

xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Why is every Vin Diesel movie about Vin Diesel being the most macho dude he can be? If you’re a feminist, a millennial, or someone with standards, don’t waste any time watching this movie. If you’re twelve, really like guns and fast cars and hot girls, yeah, maybe you’d like this movie. If you’re Vin... Continue Reading →

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