Reviews

Malignant

So James Wan is trying again, and this time he’s mixing supernatural elements with medical gore and a bit of mindfuckery. It’s an odd feeling to realize that this is the movie he abandoned The Conjuring 3 to make, considering how similarly these two films turned out, in that…

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Ghost in the Shell (2017)

I know it’s not a popular opinion, but I really liked 2017’s #GhostInTheShell. I talk about why I like it, and why it sucks. An old review posted as part of stylistic, sci fi, action, female protagonist movie thread.

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Atomic Blonde

The other day I watched Kate, a stylistic action film with a female protagonist that fell short of expectations. It made me think of all the other IPs that shared these traits, and the most prominent film among that batch is Atomic Blonde, a movie I watched in October…

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Kate

I watched Kate across two nights, because the first time I tried to watch it, I was bored enough to turn it off and restart New Girl for the umpteenth time. This is not a review for the movie Kate, this will now be a review for the first…

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The Daniel Craig Bond Films

Have you ever noticed that Daniel Craig looks a lot like Kevin McKidd? Imagine a world where McKidd made it as Bond, and Craig was a doctor at Grey Sloan Memorial. I still wouldn’t hate myself any less for watching 15 seasons of the show.

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Fatherhood

Fatherhood is a cute movie about being a dad, and a set of difficulties and obstacles one can expect to face as a single father.

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Layer Cake

Layer Cake is a quick witted, profanity laced British crime movie. It’s worth your time if you want to watch Craig play James Bond before he was Bond.

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

When I first watched this movie, I had a hard time understanding why Breakfast at Tiffany’s is such a masterpiece. I struggled with feeling frustrated for and by Holly and her actions, and constantly the film demonstrated the woman making poor decisions. As the credits rolled, I realized that…

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Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane is one of the most studied and debated films of all time, and for good reason. I chose this movie to be my thousandth film watched because of all the discussion that had already occurred about the film. I wanted to see what a film worth talking…

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Ben Hur

Ben Hur is a testament to the soul of filmmaking. The sets, the costumes, the music, the acting, the cinematography, the dialogue, the story, the framing, the atmosphere. Every aspect of the movie was meticulously crafted and it was easily visible how hard the crew had worked on the…

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9 Songs

This review discusses a controversial film involving explicit sexual relations. Reader discretion is advised. That means that if you’re a prude, fuck off.

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Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Goddamn does Disney know how to entertain. In a way, this movie is an incredible opportunity to study different storytelling techniques, and how to efficiently adapt a written story into film. As many readers will complain to you, it’s easy to screw up novel adaptations. Perhaps this movie wasn’t…

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Baby Driver

I didn’t know it, but I was starved for a film with rounded characters, incredible action, a captivating soundtrack and a dash of charm. Essentially, I wanted to see a good movie, but hadn’t had the pleasure. 

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Writer’s Note – On Short Films

I recently published a few reviews on independently made short films. I’ve also begun a foray into watching short films, and most, if not all, are also independent or low budget. I’ve wanted to get into watching more films made by smaller, independent filmmakers for a number of reasons.…

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Shazam!

I wrote this review on July 25, 2019. Considering the recent success of The Suicide Squad, I thought I’d share my thoughts on this movie and the fate of the DC movies. I had a lot of fun with this movie. I don’t know if it was on purpose,…

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Casablanca

I have a habit of saving really good movies to watch during the worst of times. Movies are an escape from the tedium of life, the frustrations of reality. It’s why fantasies and adventures and dreams and heroes are so popular. It’s why the worlds we visit in the…

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Aso

Aso is a film that examines a man attempting to stand his ground, and devolves into a mess, spouting ‘whataboutisms’ to defend his view. It’s a wonderful example of the acting being the main driver of a film rather than the story itself. It’s also the shortest film I’ve…

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The Fate of the Furious

The following review was written May 25, 2017 but was not published. It does not follow my recent review structure, but I had a wet dream about Vin so I had to go back and think about the other movies he’s been in that I’ve reviewed. There are so,…

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2020

Y’all remember that movie 2012 that somehow everybody both watched and haven’t watched? Like. It’s constantly playing on the FX channel, sandwiched between a 5pm EST showing of X-Men and an 11pm showing of Fan4tastic? Anyways, this movie is way better than any of the others. 

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The Suicide Squad

In the past I’ve harked about mislaid bricks in franchise films, and how poorly laid bricks lead to compounding failure, or the Leaning Tower of Pisa. This movie is the latter. The Suicide Squad is a ridiculous, bloody, meta, hilarious, excellent movie that absolutely deserves a watch. The writing…

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The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

I’m a huge fan of James Wan. The man has true horror vision, and his two recent franchises Insidious and The Conjuring have completely riveted me. I was genuinely terrified by the first Insidious when it came out, and The Conjuring 2 after that. When I heard The Conjuring:…

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The Green Knight

WHOOO Boy this movie. The Green Knight is one of the trippiest, most artsy farsty, balls to the wall insane, self indulgent movies I’ve ever seen. The Green Knight is a movie you will not finish if you don’t watch in theaters or completely stoned. It’s a stunning mindfuck…

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The Twilight Saga

Yesterday I sat down and watched all five movies in the The Twilight Saga in a row, back to back, without breaks or distractions. I have transformed into a husk of a man, completely embroiled in my own self pity and wanderlust for the lush forests of Northwestern America.…

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Flipped

Flipped is a cute little movie about two kids learning about love and growth and life and trees. I don’t have too much to say about it, because it’s honestly a very plain movie, with a lot of self-indulgent satisfaction. It’s also frustrating that the movie builds up a…

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Contagion

Some pretty person suggested I go through Steven Soderbergh’s filmography due to his influence on modern cinema. He’s gained a lot of fame and recognition for his innovative filmmaking early on, and wider appeal for his slick, witty, Ocean’s heist films. Since Contagion has a lot of relevance to…

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On Agents of SHIELD Canonicity

Agents of SHIELD is one of the best superhero shoes out there. The characters are complex and nuanced, the storylines are believable and engaging, the effects border on acceptable. I get it. The show is cheesy. It’s campy, it’s cringey, it’s lo-fi.  I’m not saying it’s the most polished,…

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Black Widow

Woof. What happened here? Marvel’s Black Widow is one of the few times I’ve felt that an MCU film was more miss than hit. I really wanted to like it, and there’s a lot to like. But there’s also some key chunks that are missing that really, really annoyed…

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The Tomorrow War

I used my twitter feed as a guide to write this review, as I used my friends’ patience as a sounding board for my livestreamed mania as I blundered through The Tomorrow War, furiously screaming into the abyss of the internet, eager for someone’s attention – or better yet,…

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Finding ‘Ohana

So I watched this movie at a 50 degree angle from a 10 year old TV with my parents sitting on an uncomfortable cushion. This movie was awesome. It’s definitely a kids’ movie, and if you expect anything different, then shut up and go away. 

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Creed 2

So this review took a while to write, but that’s because I was home with family, and I just didn’t think about the movie I’d watched. Creed 2 wasn’t a bad movie, but it wasn’t mindblowing either.

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Archive

Archive is one of those ‘high concept’ sci fi movies with robots and AI. It draws extremely heavy inspiration from Ex Machina, one of the more successful releases in this subgenre of sci fi. It also has imagery and concepts similar to Netflix’s Mother (which wasn’t very good), the…

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A Quiet Place – Part 2

Greetings from Frankfurt! Ya boi is publishing his first international review! Also I’m stuck in the airport send help. A Quiet Place Part 2 is so good. John Krasinksi has done it yet again. The film is very, very simple: Be quiet, or the aliens come smack you. Everyone…

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Army of the Dead

The last time I cared about a zombie-based media was the final season of Game of Thrones, where the big bad guy gets nerfed by a random little girl hiding in a tree. Before that was The Walking Dead, which is apparently still… on air? Snyder’s Army of the…

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Gothika

Uh. I saw this movie. I can’t think of much to say. Robert Downey Jr. is in it and he’s cool. Good misdirection. I liked the twists, I liked the mind games. I want to say the movie was innovative for when it came out, what with the CGI…

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Incarnate

This movie is so bad it made me think it was made in 2006 and inspired two movies from 2010. It was actually released in 2016, a couple of years in the wrong direction. Entertainment Factor This movie wasn’t scary. Artistic Integrity This film is also not very original…

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Justice League (2017)

This review concerns the Joss Whedon led and edited 2017 release of Justice League. I wrote this review shortly after release, and these are my restructured thoughts, edited for readability. Justice League is such an incredible movie, because I am unable to determine if it was bad or not.…

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Bloodshot

Tonight I wasted my time by watching a movie called Bloodshot, starring our favorite gravel-voiced, hunky, sexy, big dicked macho muchacho, Vin Diesel. I am unabashedly in the middle of a Diesel marathon, and my blood is pumping and my dick is insecure. I can never measure up to…

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Writer’s Note – A New Scene

Thank you for reading what I’ve written, I appreciate that you spent your time with something that I’ve created. I’ve come to the realization that I’d like to put a little more effort into the things I do with my reviews, so I’m setting up a writing structure to…

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The Big Short (2015)

I watched this movie at around midnight while sipping on a beer, and an empty stomach. About an hour at about 1am, I emailed my advisor demanding that she sign me up for a class on stocks, the market and the Bloomberg Terminal. I was hyped. The next morning…

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Mortal Kombat (2021)

This movie is a ton of goofy fun. It’s based on a video game series that revolves around fighting and very gory kill scenes and cheesy catch phrases and it does not give a fuck about you or your grandma.  Given that this movie was made to bring the…

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Lakshya

Lakshya is an Indian Bollywood movie about a slacker who decides that his life’s objective is serving his country’s safety and security, at the cost of this luxury lifestyle. The main character is played by Bollywood heartthrob Hrithik Roshan, and man does he play this role to perfection.

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Crazy, Stupid, Love

   Ever seen that movie Hitch with Will Smith? Or any other movie about a down on his luck loser who needs to win back the respect of his kids and the love of his life with the help of a womanizing hunk? What about an ensemble movie with…

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xXx

LMAO THIS FUCKIN MOVIE. I wanted some kind of coherent action. I wanted entertainment. I wanted a story. Instead I got a clusterfuck of explosions, angry music, bad accents, cliche antagonists and shitty one liners delivered by my favorite potato.

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xXx: State of the Union

 “The State of the Union is strong!” xXx: State of the Union is the worst movie I’ve seen since the original xXx. And I’m sure you remember my review of that movie. I loved it.

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xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Why is every Vin Diesel movie about Vin Diesel being the most macho dude he can be? If you’re a feminist, a millennial, or someone with standards, don’t waste any time watching this movie. If you’re twelve, really like guns and fast cars and hot girls, yeah, maybe you’d…

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Godzilla vs Kong

    I’m starting to realize why some films are so hard to review and why they take the wind out of my sails as I try to write. Turns out, they don’t have much to talk about. They don’t have any content or function beyond entertainment, and then the…

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Prospect

The movie is an ambitious attempt at capturing a classic tale from yesteryear, in the context of a realistic sci-fi environment. It’s a cowboy story that would have been happy with John Wayne and some natives in the Wild West. It’s True Grit if the dad died in the…

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Terminator: Dark Fate

     It’s hard to look at the Terminator franchise without talking about the others in the series, and it’s especially hard to talk about the direction of the story without talking about the story of the original. The entire concept is grounded in such a nonlinear fantasy mechanic that…

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