Anthony Hopkins shows tits in “The Rite”

I’ve been on a horror film bender for the past few weeks, but for no real reason. When I start to get numb, the only thing that helps me feel any emotions is a good scary movie. It’s not so much depressing as it’s like pouring lighter fluid over a campfire. The Rite, however, is extremely depressing. Not because the film made me sad, but because the film is sad. It’s not sad sad, it’s just sad how bad it is. It’s bad sad. I am sad 😦

What’s Anthony Hopkins up to in 2011?

The Rite follows the story of Michael, played by Generic White Guy Who Can’t Act #419, someone who’s losing his faith in the church. In a last-ditch effort, he’s sent to Rome to train to be an exorcist, where he meets Ciarán friggen Hinds and tries fucking Alice Braga. He shadows Hopkins as he performs a sort-of exorcism on a pregnant girl. There’s some nonsense in the second act, where the pregnant girl says some scary stuff, lights flicker and she loses her baby. It’s not scary, it’s just depressing. Hopkins, then, somehow, gets possessed, and the third act is more flickering lights and scary music where #419 has to perform an exorcism on Hopkins. He succeeds, movie ends. Did I mention Rutger goddamn Hauer is in this?

It’s a little ridiculous that a movie as jam-packed with talent as this one, they left the lead, the one who has to carry the emotional weight of the film, to be the least capable individual in the entire movie. It’s also insane that, given the incredible setting of the film- the heart of Catholicism- is completely underutilized. I mean, sure, it would’ve been really expensive to shoot in the Vatican, but why even have the movie be set in the city if you’re literally never going to use it? Furthermore, the film completely fails at setting any emotional stakes or connections for the audience to even care. We literally do not care for anyone in the film because none of them have any goals or desires or even personality (beyond Hopkins). It’s barely even a story. It’s literally just some flickering lights and a fat, albeit embarrassing, paycheck for SIR ANTHONY ‘OSCAR WINNER’ HOPKINS. 

Making horror look hard

I like Christian horror films. I like when demons can be vanquished through Holy Water, or when witches can be bound with prayer or when vampires can be stopped by the cross. It’s a comfortable, easy to follow, universally understood set of magical rules. You can play around a little with it for the scope of your story, but for the most part, racist Europeans have gifted the horror community with this fun little package. Throw in exorcisms, and you’ve legitimately got a really great, easy foundation for your horror film. All you need now is a compelling story, a universal pain, and a sympathetic lead who has to overcome these things in the name of Jesus. It’s not hard. What’s even more embarrassing is that this movie is based on a book, which was written while the author did first-hand research into exorcisms. Hell, even the director did some hands-on work to be around real exorcisms. 

I just want to feel things again

I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t care. The film is more a pro-Christianity story than a horror, but even then it doesn’t do a very good job because I still worship the devil. It’s probably why I’m depressed.

3/10.

Maybe horror movies aren’t my ‘kickstart the emotional engine’ pill. I’ll try romcoms next.

You can stream Hopkins titties on Netflix or rent it on Youtube.

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