“Snakes on a Plane” was Made by a Teenage Boy

So I legitimately forgot I saw this movie the morning after, and I only realized that I’d taken notes for this review when I was clearing my tabs, and then the memories of snake bites a protagonist-less film came flooding back. Snakes on a Plane is a rare film that is built squarely around wish fulfillment, but also ties every knot so neatly while having nearly 15 distinct and memorable characters, of which only two are traditional protagonists, but in the loosest of definitions. There are no character arcs, and no one really has any control of the plot save for Samuel L Jackson, but even then he’s mostly just a plot device to resolve the single issue across this film: killing the snakes. 

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Twilight with Snakes

Someone- probably a fucking twelve year old- wanted to make a movie about a plane flying over the ocean, full of snakes. Then he wanted to the snakes to bite a girl on the boobs, a guy on his dick, someone on their butt, someone in the literal eyeball, and then have Samuel L Jackson deliver an iconic, profanity-laced one liner right before he kills a bunch of snakes with a single bullet. I’m not kidding, we literally get a titty bite, a dick bite and a butt bite. Who is this movie meant for? Because no (mature) adult is going to admit to enjoying those moments. The film is wish fulfillment on par with Twilight.

Due to the flimsy central plot, the film is forced to fluff its runtime and increase tension by introducing an insane number of C level characters and irrelevant plot lines in order to keep momentum going. This is especially glaring when the film resolves itself with a solution that, realistically, could have been employed at any point in the film. I’m not knocking the filmmakers for this plot hole because I am telling you, a prepubescent child conceived of this movie after he saw his first boobie in National Geographic, while reading an article on poisonous snakes for his school report.

How to Make Snakes Boring

Additionally, the film has issues maintaining its tension. There are a lot of rookie mistakes the film makes when building tension, maintaining it, and then releasing it. Again, there’s only one central plot of the snakes, but they introduce numerous mini-plots with their numerous characters to get the audience to hold their breath. At times it’s when a snake dangles over someone, other times it’s when it nearly bites an Indian girl’s bare foot. As an aside, I’m kind of irritated that the only barefoot character was an Indian in a kurta, but it’s not like it’s inaccurate. I’m on the fence about exactly how racist this was, but to be fair, the film is full of caricatures.

So they build tension and then resolve it way too quickly. Oh, is the engine not working? Let’s do some fenagling- and five minutes in, the plane is fine. Oh, did the pilot get bit? Just engage the autopilot. Is the kid bit? Just have some rando suck the poison out. The film would have held the tension and the stakes higher if they’d introduced fewer sources of tension, but held them for longer than the attention span of a middle schooler. Again, I’m telling you, a kid who’s only just discovered his genitals conceived this film. 

Snakes on a Plane is a more immature film than any of the other shit I watch, but I’m not complaining. I kinda knew what I was getting into when I knew Samuel L Jackson was in a movie with snakes. 

This may or may not be an effective line. Experiments are currently underway.

2/10.

At 2:00am Jackson delivers the legendary line, “I’m tired of these mothafuckin’ snakes on this mothafuckin’ plane!” and I unapologetically belted it out with him. My roommates are not happy about this outburst.

You can currently steam the snakes on Netflix or rent it from AppleTV.

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