Are you more likely to buy toys after watching “Battleship”?

I’m back with another installment of “85scenes hemorrhages brain cells by watching chicken shit waste of time movies that no one liked, ever,” this time featuring a generic white guy, a cookie cutter white model-turned-actress, garbage storytelling techniques, a lot of explosions, and a supporting cast made of a who’s who list of minorities.

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Explosions, Shot-reverse-shot, boobies

My current Netflix watchlist consists of fantastic, classic films like Shutter’s Island, Okja and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. But I saw that they had this shit and I was desperate for pro-USA military propaganda disguised as an action film based off a fucking toy. So I watched this instead.

Watching this film, I audibly wondered if this was a Michael Bay venture. After all, it was so similar to another film series where gun-toting aliens land in America and a sweaty white man has to use the power of friendship and American military might to save the day and bed the hot chick. There’s even a gratuitous shot of the hot woman in the shimmering sunset light.

That’s right, I’m rewarding you kids with boobies early in this review.

Turns out, Battleship is not a Bay film; he’s not even associated with it. This is surprising, as the film lacks any truly artistic or narrative merit or expertise, much like all Bay’s movies. Battleship is shot like a tween’s first home film starring his neighbor’s hot daughter, the old Asian man who’s drunk all the time, and the kid’s favorite mismatched Lego sets. There’s endless, endless, shots of the idiot actors standing around gawking at the alien warships as they do shit. It got old really quickly, because even if you were watching aliens for the first time, you’d have a different reaction than just BLAH.

This film has the acting range of a high school production of Romeo and Juliet

Lazy filmmaking at its worst

Ok, it’s not exactly a work of passion for anyone involved, and the whole film is- quite obviously- a marketing gimmick to sell board games. No one should expect anything more than the bare minimum, and that’s ok. Moving on, let’s make fun of this film’s utter nonsense mess that is their excuse for dialogue. It sucks. Very bad, not good, mucho shitto. 

The opening scene is a masterclass in what not to do in a film. It is the poorest, most inept way of opening a film with any amount of sci-fi. I have not seen a sequence so uncreative and utterly lazy in my life. The first scene delivers a clunky set of exposition explaining the concept of the Goldilocks Zone, and that in this film’s universe, the scientists devised a way to contact this place. Another science guy (you know he’s a science guy because he wears glasses) whispers directly at the audience, “If there’s intelligent life up there, and they come here, it’s going to be like Columbus and the Indians. Only we’re the Indians.”

Remember when that movie Avatar came out, and it was one big analogy for Pocahontas, or Dances with Wolves? It was subtle, and everyone felt proud that they figured out the little connection. For a long while, everyone was a film auteur and we had world peace. Then along came this movie in 2012 and blundered and insulted everyone’s intelligence at once by literally shoving the metaphor down our gullet. It’s not even veiled, the guy is looking directly at us when he delivers the line.

Who is he even talking to? This is so embarrassing to watch.

Now that we’re talking about this guy, I’d like to talk more about the absolute pantheon of side characters and this film’s impressive ability to give us a fucking character arc for nearly all of them.

There’s a paraplegic veteran who’s having a hard time feeling like a man because he’s lost his legs, and he later uses his legs to strangle an alien. There’s a hick navy guy who’s a coward, who later bravely steers the ship during a pivotal battle. The above nerd also pussies out of going with the heroes to fight the aliens in a later sequence and he makes an audible mention to grab his metal briefcase of tech, citing some stupid American principle of ‘that’s my property’. Then he later returns and uses it to bash in an alien’s head. I guess the pen is mightier than the sword, because you can use the pen like a sword. It’s insane how many character loops were closed, especially considering that none of them mean a goddamn thing.

Coming back to afro nerd, he actually delivers my favorite line in this film, and his delivery was so perfect I paused the movie because I was laughing so hard. 

NASA? 🥺👉👈

One long opening sequence

This film has a major issue in its set up which really detracts from the greater experience. The actual plot doesn’t start until that above clip, at the thirty minute mark. There are two back to back scenes that demonstrate the protagonist, Alex Hopper, as a directionless, foolish and brash guy. In two scenes we solidify that before and after joining the Navy, Hopper has a hard time listening to authority, but this character arc is never actually resolved in a satisfying way. Sure, he gets a bunch of old men to recommission a battleship and then asks an old white man if he can transfer legal ownership of his daughter to Hopper as he wishes to bed the daughter in matrimony.

Hopper actually gets the same set up for James Kirk as the 2009 Star Trek film, starring Chris Pine. The first few scenes set up Kirk as having exactly the same characteristics, down to the drunken womanizing and being nudged towards the military by a father figure. Hell, in both films, the protagonist is handed military leadership due to a series of wacky hijinks that lead to the people higher up on the chain of command being killed or otherwise sidelined. By the end of the film, the hero shoots the bad guys full of bullets and explodes them so hard that he earns the respect of the older, higher ranking military officials.

Look. I know that you know that I always knew that Battleship was going to suck. I know. But when I watch shit movies like this I get to bully people and it’s about the only thing I’m good at, so let me keep doing it. 

3/10.

Some old guys kicked alien butt at the end, so that was cool. 

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