Man what the fuck is this movie? I hate crap like this. On one hand, yeah. Ya fuckin got me. Ana de Armas and whoever that other woman was, in a hot, pornworthy plot, featuring John Wick? Sign me the fuck up, dick and all. Ya fucking got me. Is that what this movie is about? Getting me? Using my phallic fallacies against me? God I hate this movie.
“You’re a dirty pervert for wanting to see sexy ladies in a movie and that’s why you get a shitty torture flick!” Is that it? That can’t be the point, you fucking filmed it and featured the threesome in all the marketing instead of just cutting away dramatically. You gave us the gratuitous boobies. I win. Even though I lose, I still win.
Was the point to just show us violence? Nonsensical evil? The dangers of… what, exactly? What was the lesson learned by the characters, by the audience? Why tell this story of all stories? In an infinite universe of beginnings, middles and ends, in the innumerable combination of events that could have taken place on a rainy night between a man and two young women, this was the sequence of events worth filming? Why?
I don’t like musicals, but that doesn’t discount musicals and their cinematic or entertainment value, because the point of musicals is to put together a visual musical ensemble. That’s the point. Superhero movies tell tales of growth or heroism or whatever values the director or producers want to propagate. Comedies serve the purpose of escapism. Any movie can be made for any reason, but that’s why they’re fucking made. Why was this one made not once but three goddamn times? Is it the titties? Is it the torture? What the goddamn shit is this movie?
There was no thrill here. Over and over Keanu fails at physically defending himself against two women. Lorenza Izzo’s character stands there eating fucking cereal as Keanu saunters over, and then she incapacitates him with a fork? A fork? He can’t push her off because she’s stabbed his surgery with a fork? Let’s talk about his surgery. Why is it mentioned so many times prior to this point in the movie, and then never mentioned again. Even as he’s being stabbed, his reaction is to scream, “My shoulder. My surgery.” Turn on the subtitles, he literally says, “my surgery” as he’s getting stabbed. That was the payoff? Multiple mentions of a baseball injury or something, caused while ‘showing off’ for some girls at a place, only for it to come up unceremoniously in one scene in the middle of the movie? That’s what I call checkov’s dollar store water gun.
What are the girls’ motivations? Revenge? Against all men? Is it against pedos? He’s not even a pedophile, they literally admit to being over 18 in the final scene, so they’re clearly not that messed up about him being a closet pedophile. Is it sexual harassment? He didn’t sexually harass them at all when he met them. He literally runs from their sexual discussions. Is it childhood trauma? Well he’s explicitly shown to be a good dad. Maybe not a stellar husband, since we have some concrete proof in a fleeting mention of him showing off for some girls at a baseball place thing. Is it for being horny? Why mention the three weeks of no sexual contact thing in the beginning of the movie then? Why not just show him getting his rocks off, and then the effect of him being a sexual deviant is even more pronounced.
The main character produces no discernible character flaws. The chaos and pain that the two girls bring all comes from their own heads. So is that the point of the movie? Burying him to his neck and forcing him to watch as his reputation is eviscerated online? Torturing him for the fuck of it?
Then there’s Louis’s character. He’s also shown to be great with kids, he’s from Oakland where the women are hoes, and he’s sophisticated enough to run an art gallery. He annoyingly calls Keanu’s character, “Mr. Webber”, while being on a first name basis with the wife, and being called, “Uncle Louis” by the kids. They’re clearly close, so why create the formality and separation between him and Evan Webber? Oh, and then he fucking dies. Just trips and hits his head on the altar of art.
This movie pisses me off to no end. I feel cheated out of my time and effort and literal brainpower. This movie occupies space in my memories and I fucking want my money back. What a jackshit bullcrap nonsense fluffer movie. 1/10. It doesn’t even get extra points for the Armas titties.
You get no links to find where you can watch this atrocity.