Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard

I hated this movie. It was so forced and plastic and loud. So loud

Boom

People worship Cartoon Network. They love crap like Ed Edd and Eddy and Chowder and Flapjack. Look. You’re not wrong for liking what you like and I adore the fact that people my age have a different favorite show than me. Like, if I liked Teen Titans at 5:30 on Wednesdays, and you liked Courage the Cowardly Dog at 6:30 on Har Har Tharsdays because you ate dinner at 5:30, who am I to judge? Why don’t I like some of it though? It’s so fucking loud.

Bang

The same loosely structured plot is present in this movie as was in its predecessor. Nothing wrong with that, sometimes simple is good. I just didn’t want you to think there was anything new or complicated or innovative going on here. There isn’t.

We get the modernized a-bomb of the Fast and the Furious movies, followed by trademark Reynolds banter and standard Samuel L Jackson obscenity, which got old quicker than I thought it would. Even adding in an angry Salma Hayek didn’t help. Adding boobs in didn’t even help. These two dudes being angry at each other while emasculating Reynolds and sexualizing Hayek was so annoying. I just wanted it to end.

Kaplow

There’s a lot of guns, lots of vulgarity, gallons of blood and so much goddamn gunfire. I get that this is an action movie that spans European tourism hotspots and feels like an immature Bond movie, so gunfire is to be expected. I just wish there wasn’t so much of it. There’s also a ton of yelling. Goddamnit I sound like an old man.

So if you’re looking for a dumb, bloody, explosion-riddled brofest featuring Salma Hayek’s big dick, you’re the target demographic for this movie. Me? I’m sophisticated. I only watch dumb, bloody, explosion-riddled brofests featuring Vin Diesel’s big dick. 4/10. 

I saw this movie in theaters, however I’m sure you can stream it somewhere when it’s “released” on “DVD”.

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