Army of the Dead

The last time I cared about a zombie-based media was the final season of Game of Thrones, where the big bad guy gets nerfed by a random little girl hiding in a tree. Before that was The Walking Dead, which is apparently still… on air? Snyder’s Army of the Dead is the first time I actually enjoyed any zombie action in a while, and then I promptly stopped giving a fuck halfway into the movie. 

The Best Zombie Entertainment In a While

This movie is pretty good. “There are reddit forums dedicated to this guy,” is a perfect example of them knowing their target demographic and making an effort to make sure we’re properly entertained. For the number of times Snyder’s name appears in the intro sequence, it’s hard to miss that this is Snyder’s baby. A vision completely realized, given full creative and production control to one individual to allow him to materialize that which he’s imagined. 

In a way, it helps put Justice League and Man of Steel into perspective. The dude is aiming to fit human struggles and journeys between fantastical elements. In Army of the Dead, Snyder has adapted human stories of friendship, loss, fatherhood, motherhood, desperation and sadness between a couple of higher, fantasy elements. Nukes, zombies, the american soldier, and the evil men in charge. But just in the first half. The second half is… what? 

The intro sequence is amazing, but unfortunately marred between act 1 and act 2 by a stupid television report, an exposition dump that doubles down on what happened in the previous sequence, but somehow misses the explaining the more important time skip information. I’m not sure what happened here. 

The latter half of the film suffers from a compounding of the poor decisions made in the beginning of the film. The first half sets up a really fun heist in a contained zombie city, with an added element of a super zombie. It’s pretty cool. Then it begins to burst at the seams. Shit characters make shit decisions, the dialogue gets choppy as they realize they forgot to tell us how the zombie hierarchy works, except somehow they hadn’t figured it out already, which is odd because most of these folks had already spent time in the zombie zone. That may just be nitpicking, but it does seem odd that Coyote needs to explain zombie mechanics to people. 

I’m not sure what the ending was supposed to like… be? Everyone fucking dies, no one gets the heist money, and the bad guys in the government fuck off with their fancy whiskey. That’s it, that’s the end. 

The daughter character is so bad that when I realized we were going to have to sit through her being emotional, I fast forwarded to when she was done being on screen. I hate her and her stupid big eyes and her stupid fucking attitude.

Who’s The Real Zombie?

I’m sorry, Dave, but ya can’t act. You’re stiff and hard to connect with. I wish I could, though. I don’t mean another Guardians of the Galaxy Bautista, but I want more… oomph. You can do more. I know you can. Give me more Bushwick Bautistsa, less Spectre Bautista. 

Zack Snyder also did the Arya Stark zombie scene from GoT S8 better. There’s a scene in the second act where the characters are creeping around some zombies, and all I could think about was holy crap, there’s a similar zombie scene in Game of Thrones, and that one was so fucking stupid and I’m still mad that they fucked it up. Snyder did it better.

Zombie Music Video

Zach Snyder likes having music videos in his movies. As if his songs are in a shared cinematic universe. The Music Video Cinematic Universe: MVCU. But it’s Zach Snyder’s so it’s the ZSMVCU. Justice League was meant to be the first in his tentpole universe, followed by Army of the Dead. Can’t wait for the team up music video featuring all the singers.

For all the other stuff that Tom Holkenburg has done, his soundtrack for this movie is surprisingly lackluster, and not just because he’s changed the style of his music from the base-heavy drum taka type of energy, but because I completely, entirely missed that there was a soundtrack, at all. And that’s crazy, considering Spotify tracks me enough to know that I’d love to listen to Junkie XL’s newest action movie soundtrack. I mean perhaps it’s a kneejerk whiplash in the opposite direction after his soundtrack for Godzilla v King Kong felt like an album-length suite for Mad Max: Fury Road

I’m not sure. In any case, the soundtrack is good, but not remarkable. Also music video cinematic universe.

What Happens in Vegas

I really hope none of you idiots wants a Snyder cut of this movie. 6/10. There’s zombie titties in this movie, if you’re interested.

Watch it on Netflix, or in some theaters.

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