Tonight I wasted my time by watching a movie called Bloodshot, starring our favorite gravel-voiced, hunky, sexy, big dicked macho muchacho, Vin Diesel. I am unabashedly in the middle of a Diesel marathon, and my blood is pumping and my dick is insecure. I can never measure up to this man, figuratively, literally or cinematically. Let me tell you why.

Bloodshot is a movie about a dude who’s pumped full of overexplained nanites that heal any wound, as fast as the plot needs them to. That’s the only stupid part of the movie. The rest isn’t terrible. The film begins with the usual dick measuring contest that’s run, organized and won by Vin. He’s got the biggest guns, the coolest team, the most respect, the hottest babe. She’s so hot she even rolls right onto the military tarmac just to make out with Diesel as he gets naked and reveals to his officers that he’s not wearing regulation undershirts. Then they ride off to some sexy villa and have sexy sex that Diesel is so good at that the woman remains exhausted, but not so exhausted that she doesn’t put her lacy underwear back on. She’s also too exhausted or dick crazy to remember to take it off for round two. Then, the movie becomes a bit more… complex. This sounds weird to say, but this movie is not as stupid as it looks.

Diesel fueled Diesel

Ok, just a quick note. If you ever end up watching any more Diesel movies, try noticing how many times you see him with his shirt off. And I’m not talking just, ‘he ain’t wearing a shirt’, I mean, how often do you see Diesel boobies? Fuckin never. For all the time he spends being macho and bravado, I don’t know what his bellybutton looks like. That’s maybe because his bellybutton looks a lot like mine.

Second note. Notice how all females are automatically drawn to him. Bland white lady is in love, as is the half-robot mermaid lady in the rest of the movie. Even if it isn’t sexual interest, it’s still interest. Vin Diesel is in the forefront of all female attention. This is telling. Very, very telling. Sure, KT isn’t explicitly attracted to Bloodshot, but she is definitely magnetized to his focus and actions. Luckily, she has a small layer of dimension around her. Motivated by Bloodshot’s plight, she decides to do the right thing and restore his memories so they can together take down the big bad evil corporation led by universally hateable Aldrige Killian. Whoops, I meant the guy Guy Pierce plays. Also. What a fucking name. I’m going to name my son Dude. 

So the movie isn’t sexist. But it is racist! Indian computer man has small dick! Joke! But it isn’t extra racist, because he isn’t just IT. Nope. 

Anyways, I’m going a bit out of order. The movie is fun, if you’re in the market for more blah blah shooting and fighting and men being angry at men for being manly men doing menly man things. It’s fine.

Artistic Void

I know the movie is based on a comic, but I haven’t read the comic. I’m sure it’s good, because not every comic gets made into a movie. The movie isn’t that good, though. It’s run of the mill brrrrap guns, tire screeching, keyboard clacking hacking, screaming at TV screen nonsense. It’s interesting that the main character can heal using nanites, and that he’s got a major vulnerability in that he can be hacked and his memories rewritten, but that’s essentially Wolverine and Weapon X, ala Groundhog Day. It’s not a bad concept, it’s just not executed in an engaging manner. I wish it was, though, because you really could get philosophical with the premise, and maybe even flip conventions by having the climax be a convincing emotional precipice instead of CGI powerranger gunfight. 

The Gravel in your Ear

I can forgive the lack of visual and metaphorical content, because I really didn’t expect much from this movie, but holy hell this thing has issues. I want to say it’s intentful to have choppy, awkward dialogue and editing in the first third of the movie because that’s when Bloodshot is under control of the bad guy, and it makes sense to have some dumb awkward shit happen. The audio cuts in and out at unnatural, imperfect moments, and the dialogue remains consistently cringey, like xXx or Fast and the Furious. Then the second act happens and turns out everything before this was a simulation.

That gets you thinking. We get full scenes of dialogue and exposition, and turns out some of the awkwardness was on purpose. Some of the generic dialogue was generic because it was supposed to be faked by the bad guy, who was pretending to not be a bad guy the whole time. All of a sudden, the bad audio is revealed to be bad on purpose. Then, I perk up. I pay attention, I look for clues, I look for meaning, I look for metaphors. Instead all I got was more guns and bullets and grunting and that’s that. That’s the movie. Potential but nothing of consequence. Be ready for the sequel, I guess.

Final Word

If you’re annoyed that I keep watching crap movies, so am I. Bloodshot is marginally better than the other dogshit I’ve watched, but that’s only because of the originality of the source material and the potential for the movie to be something better. Instead it chooses to be just more of Vin ‘Massive Schlong’ Diesel telling other dudes they have small dicks. 4/10. For the record, the whole dick size thing is annoying me, not because I’m insecure, but because it’s so persistent in Diesel’s movies. Why does he need to keep bringing it up if he doesn’t have something to prove?

You can feel insecure about your male genitalia or ability to stimulate your female genitalia by watching Bloodshot on Hulu, Vudu, or Amazon Prime.

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