Thank you for reading what I’ve written, I appreciate that you spent your time with something that I’ve created. I’ve come to the realization that I’d like to put a little more effort into the things I do with my reviews, so I’m setting up a writing structure to help organize thoughts. This way, I’m not giving you a headache as you read. Someone told me they’re using my review as a fucking watch guide? I really fucking hope you’re not taking notes because one day I’ll give a Transformer’s movie perfect score, and then you’re just gonna feel like an idiot fool for listening to me.
Anyways. I’m breaking my thoughts into three always, more sometimes, schools of thought. The first is:
This is a metric that will measure how much fun it is to watch the movie. Did you laugh? Did you smile? Did your heart beat a little faster? Did you think of what the movie might be like before you watched it? Did you imagine meeting one of the characters in it as you walked out? Even if that musing was, ‘I hate that guy, I want to punch him in the face’, for a performance like Marlin Brando in The Godfather or when you watch Shia ‘Sweaty Screams’ LeBouf in The Michael Bay Cinematic Universe (I’ll explain once I post my reviews about series I’ve deemed ‘America’s Trilogy’).
Is. The. Movie. Fun? For you, or your mom, or your grandmom or the Armenian guy working the Halal Truck til 10pm on Mondays. For someone, somewhere, is it entertaining? If it is, I discuss why.
The people that make movies at their core are imaginative, intelligent, innovative individuals: they’re supposed to be our Icons of Ingenuity. In the same way that there will never be cave painting being drawn again that will be memorable for thousands of years, our filmmakers are our generation’s artists. Their work will remain memorialized on the walls of the tomorrow’s museums. Someone and their work will be chosen to decorate the future.
Do they deserve it? Did they do their work justice? Did they make us proud of something they’ve created? They should, because the best of art could only have been created it now. Expressed those emotions today. A movie like Kubrick’s The Shining, or Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, or the Wachowski Brothers’ Speed Racer. Is what we’re watching something that provokes innovation, thought, wonder, beauty or complex emotion? Did it fundamentally change how people think about something or someone? Out of respect, I will limit myself to only one dick joke in this section.
Perhaps an unconventional practice, but I put a lot of weight in the audio of a film when considering the film’s validity. Does it sound good? This means the effort put into the music played in the movie. Was it exciting? Did it have metaphors? Layers? Do certain sound bits make me feel things when the two characters kiss? Does it make me feel scared? Do I hear what they actors are saying? Do they sound like normal people or is there something weird about the way the say stuff? Are they saying anything of consequence? Will they say something worth remembering? Will you hear something worth remembering?
I listen to a lot of movie soundtracks and video game soundtracks. Sometimes I listen to heavy metal, soul, jazz. Then I loop up to Lil Wayne, Drake, $uicideboy$. It’s all to chase that emotion. Excitement, heroism, anger, happiness, tranquility, virility, popularity, and then anger again. Does the audio that accompanies the video complement and accompany it artistically, thematically or supportingly?
I will either explain if I enjoy the music. Or I may refer us to a more intelligent student of music to explain that which I can’t, but understand that you should understand to enhance your understanding of the audio and the experience of the film.
I may come up with something else to talk about, I don’t fucking know I’m making this up as I go along.
Will not subside. Do not ask me to ‘tone it down’. I’ve been a loud, rambunctious, annoying, energetic, angry dude my whole life.
I’m an immature manchild. I can and do clap when the Power Rangers morph into one megazord. I usually roleplay the Golden Ranger, the one with a dark past and untold potential. Mysterious enough to get the ladies, powerful enough to get the dudes. I will never stop the humor.
One little thing I want to slide in is that if this blog gets to 1000 readers, I’m deleting the blog. I don’t want to be famous, I don’t want a movie deal or a book deal, I just want to do my thing. If you appreciate my work, just send me some boobie pictures or really good dick pics.
I offer my sincerest apology to Shia Lebouf. You’re a capable, dynamic actor. You’ve made a positive impact on my life, and you have my respect. I only wanted to allude to some future discussions when I called you sweaty. You’re not sweaty, you’re just good at looking like you’re sweaty. But you gotta admit, Sam Witwicky was a human chihuahua, and Michael Bay told the audience that they’re horny little creeps for five movies straight. He’s a genius.