xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Why is every Vin Diesel movie about Vin Diesel being the most macho dude he can be? If you’re a feminist, a millennial, or someone with standards, don’t waste any time watching this movie. If you’re twelve, really like guns and fast cars and hot girls, yeah, maybe you’d like this movie. If you’re Vin Diesel, you’re gonna go bonkers for it. This movie is a must-watch on the level of Hitchcock or Spielberg’s best. Multiple Oscars incoming.

For what it is, it’s not terrible. If you wanted to watch a movie for stunts and action and illogical but imaginative action sets, this is it. This is classic 1998 camp with 2020 CGI. It’s not as insensitive as it could be, which is a bonus considering how insensitive it ends up being.

For what everything else that it is, it’s a male-centric borderline misogynistic movie with vaguely racist undertones. There’s enough plausible deniability for the latter, but honestly, this movie is so insulting to women it’s flabbergasting. I don’t know if it’s inexcusable though, because what else do you expect? You kind of got yourself into this shit when you decided to sit down and watch a movie that cannot be pirated because looking it up just returns all of the porn, ever. 

All of the stars, some of their ego, none of their charm

This is one of the most flawless integrations of multinational film stars in a movie so that it could be marketed to a lot of geographic demographics. It’s due to a shift in recent blockbusters that’s been fairly jarring and forced for the most part, like with the recent Transformers movies, Pacific Rim 2: The Chinese Rim, Meg and a few others. This movie has potential not only for Chinese audiences, but for Indian, Thai and redneck British audiences as well. Focusing on just this aspect, xXx: Vin Diesel Plays Himself in the Porn Version is actually kind of successful in its effort.

It kind of gets me thinking, that if someone was smart enough, they could potentially make a movie with two concurrent movie stars from different markets, playing as the villains in each other’s cuts of the movie. White hero gets to headline in America, Asian hero gets to headline in Asia, and the budget is less than that of two different movies.

Donnie Yen is a surprisingly good antagonist, and I can see this movie getting cut up in commercials or even in an alternate cut where Yen is the protagonist. He’s not played very racistly, which is a word apparently. He’s underutilized because Yen is known internationally for his martial arts prowess, and the ten bajillion cuts in this movie don’t serve him any favors, but what did you expect? Seriously.

We also get Kris Wu, a Chinese celebrity. In a minor role is Michael Bisping, to draw in UFC crowds and British audiences. Tony Jaa gets a very annoying but endearing character to play for the Thai audiences (incidentally he’s got the most embarrassing pictures a celebrity can have on Wikipedia).

This movie is for males. Begone, THOT

Ruby Rose, who’s not a porn star in a movie named xXx, gets the generic angry lesbian treatment, which is somehow a role she’s allowed herself to get typecast into lately. It may be what she’s going for, but she plays the same role in everything else I’ve seen her in. It’s probably just my fault for watching dogshit movies, but I choose to blame women.

Speaking of women, Deepika Padukone is in this, and she’s a very well known, extremely popular Indian actress. It makes sense she gets a part in this because Indians go crazy for this kind of movie. She gets named Serena, which is insulting because the other ethnic people get ethnic names. Let’s play a game. Which of the following names is a not legitimate character name in the 2017 genre defining, groundbreaking movie based on the real life of Vin Diesel:

Zhou, Talon, Xiao, Xiang
The answer can be found at the end of this review. 

Anyways, Padukone plays the classic but misguided 2000’s ‘strong female’ role. She’s apparently climbed some tower, done some cool shit, and at one point she says she was naked for it for… reasons. Penis reasons. She primarily gets to do a ton of gratuitous eye fucking, all of which is saved for Diesel because he is the pinnacle alpha male sexual appeal. She gets a damsel in distress moment, a secret lesbian moment with Rose veiled behind toxic masculinity, and as a bonus, she even gets a classic female team up action scene! The sexism goes on and on, and so much of it is rooted in Diesel’s desire to be the most biggest sexiest capable penis owner on the planet. I mean I haven’t even gotten into Nina Dobrev’s character.

Vin ‘Xander ‘Grande Penis’ Cage’ Diesel fucks gorgeous Hispanic women on an island, a bunch of sexy computer ladies who get fucked to exhaustion, but not so much exhaustion that they couldn’t put their underwear back on. Nina Dobrev gets to play an especially insulting bonus version of ‘introverted hella smart nerd girl with a crush on the main character who hates guns, but then gets to realize how cool they are by the climax’. I’m disappointed there’s no scene of her getting to make up with Diesel after he’s done tonguing Padukone as his prize for surviving the climax. 

TS;DW, or too stupid, didn’t watch

Action is good, logic is nonexistent, and Samuel L Jackson gets to allude to being Nick Fury. 4/10. Also, Diesel has a bigger dick than anyone, ever. The answer to the quiz up above doesn’t matter it’s all bullshit and you should not care.


Feel free lose some braincells by watching this movie on HuluVuduAmazon Prime or Apple TV.

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